August, Party of 2.

Why we decided to focus this month on ourselves instead of having more playmates/sexual adventures.

This week, we both deleted the hookup apps and said we wanted to pour that energy into ‘us’ this month. Seems odd for a pair of sex-positive exhibitionists… right? But it’s not that odd at all to us.

Every relationship ebbs and flows. I’m not talking about the intensity or depth of feeling you have for each other. Sometimes you want to do everything together every minute of the day, and sometimes you’re good if they go off for a boy’s weekend to Mexico without you.

(..Maybe that’s just me)

The point I’m making is that it’s natural and healthy for our wants and needs to evolve over time. I think a large part of people’s frustration in relationships stems from this. One or both parties are actively trying to keep it from changing. The fear of the unknown can be deep and insidious and crops up in unexpected places and ways.

So here’s the backstory.

Last week Max had a new playmate who wanted to come over and just play with him. That’s fine- set our ground rules from the very beginning. We also make it a point to re-examine them to make sure they still work for us. Generally, I’m not interested in 1:1 activity unless it’s leaning fetish/BDSM; but I also know our work schedules are wildly different and Max has different needs than I do. He and the guy make plans and I agree to be gone to the gym. The playmate in question felt awkward that I would downstairs or whatever, which is fine.

The trouble started when I arrive at the gym and start my workout. He texts Max that he’s going to be late. I considered it a little rude considering it was minutes from when he was supposed to show up, but whatever. 30 minutes later isn’t a big deal and I can do cardio or whatever. Except this pattern happens again, and again. No gay man is unfamiliar with this experience.

I gave up and come home after an hour and a half of cardio and just hide in the office when he comes over. Things progress a bit upstairs but I find myself getting more and more anxious/irritable. I shower off (still grumpy, of course) and just ..fume. Max comes in a bit later to talk about the experience which was underwhelming and he could tell I wasn’t happy.

We sat down to chat and I poured my heart out to him. I told him that I felt disrespected by the guy, I felt HE was disrespected by the guy, that all this time and energy went into conversation and planning, and blah blah.. and for what? I felt he had given no consideration for our day and time and was solely focused on getting off. To make matters worse we’ll just say he talked a good game but couldn’t back it up. All around it ended up as mental and physical blue balls. It made me feel slimey and icky to have poured that much into an experience that made me feel bad.

I’ll be honest; pouring out my immediate feelings and thoughts without the chance to process them and understand them terrified the shit out of me. I don’t like being vulnerable and insecure and I told Max that too. It doesn’t matter that we’ve been together nearly three years, vulnerability is still scary and I’m sure it always will be. Max just looked at me, grabs his phone, and starts deleting his profiles. We hug and talk more and I do the same.

What did we learn?

We both agreed that neither of us wants the other to feel excluded or unimportant and while we’re very upfront with potential playmates/hookups about our relationship, not everyone understands what it really means. That third person is always present even if they’re not physically there. Max proposed that we use August for just us and nothing sounded better to me. Ironically if the hookup had gone better for them I probably wouldn’t have been as upset. It was just the waste of time and energy and overall disrespect towards ‘us’ that pushed me to really look at what was happening to us.

When we both planned to have a slutty summer, we didn’t realize how it would shift our actions. It’s one thing to be open to experiences as they come along or present themselves, but it’s another to pour hours of your day into hunting for one or trying to create one. I don’t think it would be that bad of a time investment if the success rate was higher, but the reality is using The Apps(TM) is a crap shoot and probably only 1 in 10-20 people you meet via them will be worth your time. For me, that’s not worth the investment.

I won’t say we’ll never use them again. We probably will. It’s fun to browse, it’s an ego boost, sometimes you just really want to have an anon hookup, run a train, or have one run on you. Everything in moderation folks.

——

A few thoughts

• I’m not mad the guy couldn’t perform. It happens to all of us. I was weirdly irritated that he talked up a good game and couldn’t follow through. It felt to me that he was more interested in the talking and the idea than the actual act.
• There’s also nothing wrong with that! Verbal play is hot. But tell your partner or potential partner what you’re there for, please.
• We still have friends / fuckbuddies that we mess around with from time to time. Those experiences are generally together, or when they’re not we share pics/video/Facetime so the other partner gets to participate in some form. Max loves to get pics and videos when he’s stuck at work 🙂
• We have met plenty of nice people from The Apps(TM). The apps aren’t intrinsically bad, but they do encourage and reward basic shitty behavior. User beware.
• If you don’t know what I mean by The Apps(TM), I’m referring to the most prominent gay hookup apps: Scruff, Grindr, and Sniffies.

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